It’s been almost a week since Steve Jobs’ announcement of the iPad… and I just now quit jerkin off. I’ve heard haters say things like, “It’s too expensive.” or “What would I do with that that I can’t already do?” Well, for one, hater, you could ball the F out. Somebody said to me, he said, “I would only pay 300 for it.” I said, “Yeah, I would only pay 300 for it, too, but I would also pay an additional 200 dollars to be the illinest dude on the block swiping away on my iPad at my local coffee shop droppin panties left and right.” Just imagine rockin this thing on your tray table on your flight to Vegas. “Oh this? This is that new Apple tablet called the iPad… yeah, they’re pretty neat… do I want to meet you in the bathroom in five minutes..? Why yes, yes I do, you gorgeous dame. Wait wait… are you 18 though? Oh 19? You are?… Wow, what a big little girl you are. K I’ll be there soon.. just let me finish watching this last episode of True Blood on my iPad in HD where Bill Compton and his vampire maker have a threesome with a bloody corpse in a 19th century plantation estate.” AGGGGHHH I need a frikkin iPad right now.
The iPad is the frikkin future, yo. Do you remember when you saw that movie Minority Report with Tom Cruise? Remember how he was using those gloves to swipe stuff around on a big screen and pull files into folders and drag pics around and shit? The iPad brings that shit to life! And you don’t even have to wear gloves!
Yeah… the iPad doesn’t have a camera, nor a USB port, nor can it run OS-X snow leopard — but let me remind you of a little something. Do you remember when the iPhone first came out? You couldn’t send picture texts, you couldn’t take video, you didn’t have a GPS on your phone. Well I’ll be darned… guess what the next frikkin version of the iPhone had? …all that shit! You think the folks at Apple said to Steve Jobs, “Sir… we’ve tried a billion times, and we’ve hired the brightest scientists in the world, but we can’t seem to figure out how to put a camera in the iPad.” Bullshit that’s what they said. Attention all idiots: Apple intentionally didn’t include a camera on the iPad so that you’ll buy two of them.
This one dude named Stephen Fry says it a lot more eloquently than I: “In the future, when it has two cameras for fully featured video conferencing, GPS and who knows what else built in (1080 HD TV reception and recording and nano projection, for example) and when the iBook store has recorded its 100 millionth download and the thousands of accessories and peripherals that have invented uses for iPad that we simply can’t now imagine – when that has happened it will all have seemed so natural and inevitable that today’s nay-sayers and sceptics will have forgotten that they ever doubted its potential.”
It should now be painfully clear to you: the iPad is far from a disappointment. But to further justify the ballin-ness of this dopetacular device, let me give you the rundown and show you some pics.
As already implied by aforementioned panty-droppin remarks… this thing is sexy:
There are a lot of super-geek videos out there that show an “iPad first hands-on”… they all suck, but if you really want to see one:
You can choose your own background:
YouTube interface is ballin:
Calendar is clean:
Email looks sick:
The photos app apparently comes with a pic of a pretty decent lookin chick:
And, now I want to spend some time hating on haters. A dude named Adam Frucci (works at Gizmodo) wrote this massively popular article called 8 Things That Suck About The iPad. First of all, Adam “Fruity” Frucci, you’re gonna buy one. You are. So don’t act like you’re not… because you are. You’re a geek by trade. You have to buy one. And you will. So you can shove it. Up your ass in fact. Yeah, I did in fact just say that. Now, I’m going to copy and paste your weak sauce article (the entirety of which can be found here), and then hate on every single thing you say.
Fruity Fucci: “Big, Ugly Bezel
Have you seen the bezel on this thing?! It’s huge! I know you don’t want to accidentally input a command when your thumb is holding it, but come on.”
ME: Yes, I have seen the bezel. The reason it’s great is so that you don’t accidentally input a command when your thumb is holding it. On a side note, Adam: tell me how my ass tastes.
Fruity Fucci: “No Multitasking
This is a backbreaker. If this is supposed to be a replacement for netbooks, how can it possibly not have multitasking? Are you saying I can’t listen to Pandora while writing a document? I can’t have my Twitter app open at the same time as my browser? I can’t have AIM open at the same time as my email? Are you kidding me? This alone guarantees that I will not buy this product.”
ME: Ah man, but like omgz, how are you supposed to hook up with all your g33kz0r gizmodo tweeter pals when you’re reading “How to Get a Date with an Attractive Girl” on the new e-reader?
Fruity Cucci: “No Cameras
No front facing camera is one thing. But no back facing camera either? Why the hell not? I can’t imagine what the downside was for including at least one camera. Could this thing not handle video iChat?”
ME: Are you an idiot? Of course this thing CAN handle iChat, but yoooou just can’t handle the truth. The truth that you’re going to buy this even though it doesn’t have a camera, and of course, why you’ll buy the second one that DOES have a camera.
Juicy Coochi: “Touch Keyboard
So much for Apple revolutionizing tablet inputs; this is the same big, ugly touchscreen keyboard we’ve seen on other tablets, and unless you’re lying on the couch with your knees propping it up, it’ll be awkward to use.”
ME: First off, you spend 16 hours a day on your ass, dude. So you complaining about you not being able to use this thing while you’re walking your dog/girlfriend (certainly the same creature), is total BS. Secondly, “same as other tablets”?? How dare you say that Apple would make something the “same” as others. Have you used the touch screen keyboard on an iPhone… of course you have because you own an iPhone. Have you used the touchscreen keyboard on a BlackBerry Storm? Not the same. Whole wheat and whole grain are not the same, Adam.
Juiced Cooch: “No HDMI Out
Want to watch those nice HD videos you downloaded from iTunes on your TV? Too damned bad! If you were truly loyal, you’d just buy an AppleTV already.”
ME: You win. Unfortunately, you’ll have to watch your HD beastiality donkey sex porn on your iPad and just your iPad.
Adam Fucci: “The Name iPad
Get ready for Maxi pad jokes, and lots of ‘em!”
ME: So picture this: you’re chillin in a hotel lobby on your iPad when some douchenoggin rolls up to you and says, “Hey… hey guy… is that an iPad?” And you say, “Yeah man.” And he goes, “Huh huh… ha I mean… why didn’t they call it an iTampon!!! AM I RIGHT!!!?! Get it! Because like a PAD is what girls use to keep blood from dripping down their legs, and they can use tampons for the same thing, so like they should’ve called it an iTampon. You get it.” To this, and to any other dumb shit who cracks some dumb shit joke, you simply reply, “Wow dude. You’re a fucking loser. Seriously, I feel bad for you. OK you can walk away now.”
Fruity Fucci: “No Flash
No Flash is annoying but not a dealbreaker on the iPhone and iPod Touch. On something that’s supposed to be closer to a netbook or laptop? It will leave huge, gaping holes in websites. I hope you don’t care about streaming video! God knows not many casual internet users do. Oh wait, nevermind, they all do.”
ME: See for a second, Adam, I thought you were a business professional, and didn’t spend 6 hours a day on addictinggames.com — sorry, I was confused for a second. Indeed, the lack of Flash support would suck for you.
Adam Coochie: “Adapters, Adapters, Adapters
So much for those smooth lines. If you want to plug anything into this, such as a digital camera, you need all sorts of ugly adapters. You need an adapter for USB for god’s sake.”
ME: Oh, see I thought they would have taught you this over at Gizmodo. There’s this thing called the Internet, and this other thing called “email”. With both of these tools, you can actually send files to yourself, and you don’t have to have a USB drive on your keychain.
All in all… haters gonna hate… and ballers gonna ball. And that’s what’s up.
–K the article is over now, and I’ll admit it… I feel pretty bad for all the nasty things I said about a guy that I don’t even know, and is probably a nice guy. So, please, Adam Fucci and Gizmodo… know that I love you both because you and I, we hunt in the same forest, we drink from the same cup, and we’ve both seen Avatar. (That said, you’re still a jackass for hating on the iPad). One last thing: to the readers of SNEAKHYPE — Gizmodo is the shit; I’m just jealous. Please, nobody sue me. Thanks. Sneakhype dot com.