F*ckin’ A, sneakhype bro. It’s movie night with the lady friend, and she’s not too happy with the last four selections you made at redbox: the Batman with Jack as the Joker; the Batman with the ever foxy Michelle Pfeiffer1 as cat woman; and the two Christian Bail Batmans. Evidently the import of preparing for The Dark Knight Rises escapes her. She returns from picking up pizza and brews with the slender redbox DVD case and, after cheesin’ and pepperin’ your first two slices of pizza, you take a closer at the case. You instinctively mutter ‘shit’, but ‘shit’ is not quite the right word; it does not fully capture the overwhelming disgust you feel when you realize exactly how you are going to spend the next two hours of your life: watching Sex and the City 2. You assign blame immediately and judiciously. First: why, girlfriend, didn’t you see this when it came out in like 2009?? Second: why, Redbox, are you keeping this shit stocked?? Maintaining a library with some dated movies makes sense–like the Batman chronicles, with a kickass new movie coming out, or even the Tobey Mac Spiderman series.2 But this shit? It’s as if the whole world is conspiring to create this atrocious situation simply to torment a brah.
As the opening credits roll, you proceed to exhaust nearly every available method of distraction–consuming 7 slices of pizza, trying to finish all the beer in the fridge to justify a mid-movie liquor store run, sending an exorbitant amount of ‘sup?’ texts to homies (and, to spite your girlfriend’s movie selection, a few ladies), and reloading your twitter and instagram feeds in such furious and rapid succession that your phone is now about to die. Fuck, now you’re out of pizza and beer, too drunk to drive to the liquor store, and you can’t check the score of your fantasy baseball team because your phone is dead….and there’s still 95 minutes left of watching this ‘film’ and being peppered with questions like ‘who am I more like: Cari or Charlotte?’3 and ‘why does she stay with that asshole?’
As you stare out your girlfriend’s apartment window, you reluctantly take a break from contemplating life’s worth and turn your head to the screen. You see the waiter bring Samantha her Cosmopolitan and a buzzed thought creeps into your head: ‘Goddammit, if I am already relegated to watching this damn movie, the next time I am out with the bros would it be too goddamn much to be able to order a chilling, refreshing Cosmo without any damn social stigma???’
Well, no, Sneakhype bro. We here at DOW have no cure for that particular ailment. Altering the gender dynamics of the Cosmo would require more social and political capital than Republican efforts to overturn the affordable care act.4
However, what we can do is offer you a sneakhype approved alternative, which will be just as crisp and refreshing as a Cosmo but without any accompanying sacrifice in dignity. Let us introduce you, friend, to the Ballsmapolitan.
- 1.5 oz Crown Royal
- 1 oz Extra Dry Vermouth
- 1 oz pineapple juice
- Apple balls for garnish (and to enhance the ballsiness of the Ballsmo)
What’ you’ll need:
1.5 oz of whiskey.
1 oz dry vermouth.
1 oz pineapple juice. Ice. Mix.
Po that shit up.
Carve some apple balls.
Add the balls for garnish.
- Has there ever been an actress who 1) employed the back to back consonant combo of pf in their name and 2) appeared in two movies in a three year span that fulfilled about 97% of adolescent male sexual fantasies: a blonde in a skin-tight leather cat-suit and a domineering, sexy first year teacher in the hood of LA? Let’s think: in the latter department, Halle Berry gave a valiant effort with a riveting performance (both sexually and theatrically) as an impoverished, single, about-to-bone Billy Bob Thorton MILF in Monster’s Ball. Alas, she fell short with a piss poor Catwoman movie. And we can’t think of any actress or actor fulfilling the former ‘pf’ criteria. If you, reader, can help up with this quandary, please add your ideas to the comments section. [↩]
- Word has it that the newest iteration of Spiderman was made largely because of a contractual issue in which Sony may lose the rights to use the Spiderman property in movies to Disney, which already owns the rights to using Spiderman in merchandise unless they continue to pump out new films. Essentially, the studio needed to make this film, which is why it’s disappointing that rather than doing something radical with the franchise, the studio found the dude who most looked like Tobey Maguire to play the role of Pete Parker. If they had cast Aziz Ansari as Spidey, for instance, then we would be have been interested. [↩]
- Note, Sneakhype Bro, faced with the more general question of ‘which Sex and the City Character am I more like?’, never answer Samantha (too promiscuous) or Miranda (unattractive; workaholic). We know. We shouldn’t know this shit. As a result of this show’s syndication, we here at DOW have been forced to spend far too many hours (>.1 hours) watching this damn show late night with the lady. This is us flipping you the bird, WGN and CW. [↩]
- Politics ain’t our game, but we will say this: the only thing that’s kept us from attempting this or this or this is lack of easy access to insurance. Tip of that hat to ya, J Rob. [↩]