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Tiger Woods: What REALLY Happened

There’s been a lot of hoopla surrounding the events that transpired early Friday morning. Look no further for the truth my friends, because SNEAKHYPE has the skinny. OK, let me bring you up to speed on the facts. Tiger (my dude) got in a car wreck at like 2:30 in the a.m. on black Friday. He hit a fire hydrant, as well as, a tree in his neighbor’s yard as he was leaving his place. He was completely sober. So what the fuck happened, right?

First off, what was Mr. Woods doing leaving his house at 2:30 am (sober) on black Friday? There are only 2 possibilities here: 1) Tiger was on his way to Nebraska Furniture Mart to get in line for a 6-dollar belgian waffle maker…. OR 2) Dude was on a booty call to go boink a skank. So which is it? Considering Tiger makes about 9 billion frikkin dollars a year, I’m going to go ahead and guess he could pay one of his several in-house chefs to make him belgian waffles whenever he damn well pleases. That only leaves us with the latter option: Mr. Woods was on his way to go put his 5 wood inside a cart-girl that works at Pebble Beach. Hole-in-one! Now, you may be saying to yourself, “This is all well and good, EG, but if I were sneaking off to go put my putter in blondie’s sand wedge, I would probably be as sneaky and careful as possible as I slip into the night in my Hybrid Escalade. There’s no way I would rampage over a fire hydrant and then into a tree. How doth thou explain such?”

Great question, Reader. Allow me to explain. Tiger had every intention of sneaking out undetected, but — like an IDIOT — he left his celly on the kitchen counter without deleting text messages from a contact listed as: “Pebble Beach Bitch.” When wifey, Elin Nordegren, woke up to tend to baby, she noticed Daddy was gone. So she called him… only to hear his phone vibrating on the Venician granite countertop down the hall. She retrieved the phone only to find an unread message from Pebble Beach Bitch that read “so r u gonna cum or what baby? lolz :)!!”

So let me paint the picture for you. Tiger had the fatty Cadillac in neutral going 2.4 mph down the half-mile driveway with his headlights off. All of the sudden, Elin jumps in front of the truck in her Chanel night gown holding a 7 iron. Tiger knows what’s up, and knows that the safest bet for him is to get the fyuck up outta there. So he swerves to avoid the ol’ ball n chain and guns it. Damnit Tiger… ran right into the fire hydrant. After the crash… BAM… wifey breaks out the back window with the club. Tiger reverts to his primal jungle-tiger mode, and guns it again… only to run into his neighbor’s tree. Game’s up.

How do I know this is true? 1) I happen to be #2 on Pebble Beach Bitch’s speed-dial booty calls. She gave me the 411. 2) Chick broke out the back window of the truck. Only a crazy person chasing a vehicle would do that. If she was trying to get him out, she would have broke out the passenger-side rear window so that she could actually open a door once the glass was broke.

And that, my friends, is the TRUTH… and you heard it first at SNEAKHYPE.com

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