WARNING: This editorial satire is sexually suggestive and may be offensive to some readers. If you are one of those readers… honestly, I feel really, truly awful for you and I hope your life does not always suck this bad. If you can’t find humor and delight in a listicle about BJ’s, then you and I are on completely different wavelengths.
So like four score and like three weeks ago, I saw a Tweet suggesting that one’s head/BJ skillz could be quantified…
What a concept!
But, of course, this pipe dream of being able to see a “girl’s stats” shall never become a reality. And frankly, I believe the mere suggestion of this quantification is a complete objectification of women and should be considered, universally, as morally reprehensible.
We must not aim to quantify one’s skills, rather, we must learn to trust in ourselves to make our own educated presumptions. This list will empower you with the knowledge necessary to more efficiently use your time to chase down crazy dome… while remaining a respectable and chivalrous gentleman.
Here are 9 Signs A Chick Gives Good Head.
1. She wears heavy eye makeup
The 80/20 rule states that head is 80% mouth, 20% eyes, 0% teeth, and 100% throat. Simply by making eye contact with a potential partner, we can assess whether or not they have A+ opportunity.
2. She wears a backwards snapback hat
The backwards snapback says 2 things:
- “I know what boys like.”
- “This will help keep the hair out of my face.”
3. She wears bright red lipstick
Nothing screams “FIXATE YOUR GAZE UPON MY MOUTH” quite like bright red lipstick. Aesthetically, it’s usually not a good look on any girl… but it’s still attractive because it signals that she’s down to go down.
4. She wears pigtails
I mean… come on. Seriously. You might as well just carry a sign that says, “Please approach me and ask to kindly buy me a drink.” If you’re a girl in your twenties and you’re wearing head-handles, it’s either because you’re at a Halloween party going as “Hit me baby one more time” Britney Spears, or you just read 50 Shades of Grey and you’re begging for it. Either way, chick is thirsty and she’s boisterously broadcasting the head game.
5. She’s fat
If I wasn’t already going to Hell for writing this article, I am now. But I’ll do so knowing I preached the doctrine of truth.
6. She advertises the fact that she can fit her entire fist in her mouth
Using deductive anatomical reasoning and the transitive property of oral cavity size, one can assume that if a fist can fit, so too can a cocquenbahls.
7. She has an oral fixation
Examples include (but are not limited to): chewing gum frequently and obnoxiously, chewing on straws, biting hoodie drawstrings or other stray pieces of fabric, etc. She just can’t keep from nibblin’. Is a blow pop or sucker her candy of choice? DEAD GIVEAWAY.
8. She sticks her tongue out for pictures
She’s simply displaying the landing runway for the Boeing 757 that is your dong.
9. She wears fake plastic glasses
They’re not there to improve her vision. They, instead, function as a pair of tiny windshields to keep her eyes protected from the precipitation that is your bodily fluid. Tonight’s forecast: heavy rain.
Knowing what you know now from the above reading, look through these photos and determine which — if any — of these girls taking selfies would be prime givers of fellatio.