I’ve been doing this professionally for 6 years you guys.
For 6 years I have scoured the Internet in search of Earth’s finest women and the web’s dopest Dopeness. According to Google, I’m something of an expert. In fact, I may actually be the world’s leading authority on “nice ass,” “sweet boobs,” and other titillating topics.
My aim here, is not to toot my own horn. Nay! I simply aim to present to you: the facts… so that you can trust that the author of this article is a source credible enough to make such a sensational statement — that I have indeed found The Hottest Girl on the Internet.
But let’s not pussyfoot around this issue any longer. Here she is:
Sweet heaven above, thank you for sending this angel to my computer screen. Take a moment, scroll back up, and let her sink in.
This is the hottest girl on the Internet.
Proof: Please reference the diagrammed image below.
1. Dat ass
2. Dem titties
I’ll be honest: when I first laid eyes on this picture, it took me about 7-10 seconds to even notice her reflection because I was so transfixed on number 1 (see above) and number 3 (see below).
Once my gaze fell upon this glorious rack, I actually (true story) stood up out of my chair, and I clapped my hands one time. I said, “*clap* No f*ckin’ way.” No way can this chick have an ass like that AND such incredible breastises. But she can, and she does. …because this is the hottest girl on the Internet.
3. Hourglass figure
With extraordinary curves like these, one might expect to see a tree-trunk torso. Not the case with this angel. That waistline comes in like she’s wearing an invisible corset.
Never before has a midriff made me want to get zapped “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids” style, lather my microscopic body in baby oil, and slide down that magnificent curvature like it’s a black diamond ski slope.
4(a) – I mean that’s just a classic “pretty face.” But then you go and add the following:
4(b) – Eyebrows. Girls everywhere these days are ruining the frame of their face by over-plucking, over-tweezing, over-coloring, over-shaping, over-whatever-it-is-they-do to their eyebrows. But not this angel. She’s the hottest chick on the Internet and her eyebrow game is, of course, on point.
4(c) – Trendy glasses. I bet they’re prescription, too. She’s a sophisticated mama and she pulls off the look as well as anyone.
4(d) – Skin. It’s almost as if all of Earth’s most beautiful bloodlines came together and yielded a perfect mixture of smooth cinnamon silk. Perfect color. Blemish free. Hit her with the closeup, Mr. DeMille, because she’s f*ckin’ ready for it.
Straight and strong, her lovely locks extend to the perfect length along the small of her back.
I would turn gay for a year if it meant I could sit behind her with a brush and delicately stroke that majestic mane while she airs out the troubles of her day. I got 20 bucks to a 5 dollar bill that says it smells amazing, too.
6. Thigh gap
Defying all anatomical probabilities with those voluptuous curves, we can see in the mirror’s reflection that our bombshell still has an ever-adorable thigh gap.
I don’t have any, but they add that certain edge that lead you to believe she’s got “it”… that she knows something you don’t… and that she’s a freaky goddess of fornication. Looks like that tricep tat is in another language… I will again bet that it’s legit, and she’s actually bilingual. Scratch that… trilingual.
8. She checks Sneakhype.com on the reg
9. She’s single
UPDATE (Nov. 17, 2014): She read the article and is going to brush my hair.
UPDATE (Dec. 4, 2014): She looks good in Sneakhype apparel.